Guys, I have told myself for years and years that I hate change. For several of those years, I really did. Change threw me into an anxiety spiral, I had surges of crushing panic and lashed out at the people around me.Change is so bizarre, isn't it? For me, I feel like the lack of control when it comes to change is what triggers all those negative reactions.Since perfectionism has always been a challenge for me, being in control (so that I could make things perfect!) was a major theme in my life. Not knowing what's going to happen, not knowing what to expect - TERRIFYING, because I wasn't in control.Several weeks ago, my therapist challenged me to try and not play everything out to the nth degree. Just BE in this journey. When I heard that, honestly, I thought, "Pfffft. Okay. That'll happen." A few days later, while reading my coach certification materials, there was an article about being "detached from the outcome". It meant being detached from the outcome of our clients' sessions, but it kind of walloped me, because I realized that all I do is walk around being attached to the outcome. I spend so much time thinking, worrying, and obsessing about the outcome that I don't even notice the process, let alone enjoy it.I really started digging when I had that realization. What was it that created that response in me? What thought patterns and self-limiting beliefs did I hold that had made change and newness so effing scary? I also really began to try to practice what my therapist was preaching to me. BEING. Just being. Centering myself in my day, centering myself in the present, centering myself, period.Then, a switch flipped. I can't explain it. I have no reasonable or understandable or logical explanation for it, except that mindfulness leads to intentional effort, and tonight, as I sit here, trying to convey to you all that has happened, I don't even really recognize myself.I had an amazingly indulgent phone call with one of my oldest friends last night. Both of us are in a season of immense change. Like, the kind of change that doesn't happen that often, where everything kind of morphs and changes all at once, and really just bitch slaps you. It ain't that pretty.The thing that I found INSANE about that conversation was that both of us (recovering) perfectionists were so freaking calm. Here we are, two people that tend to completely freak out if we don't know exactly what to expect, and we were talking about change like it was no big deal. Everything's cool. In fact - we were kind of looking forward to change. Who are these people - for real?I told my friend about how much I didn't really recognize myself, and how I wondered if I'd finally just had a total mental breakdown and now I was living in an alternate reality. I don't think I am, but I do think that how I'm feeling comes from experiencing exponential growth in an accelerated time frame.Some people get really excited about growth - it's this crazy exciting thing that presents all sorts of opportunity. They thrive on it, and love the uncomfortable and kind of risky space they create when they consistently push themselves.I am NOT one of those people, at least I've never thought of myself as one of those people. I have lived in the same town for almost 30 years. If given my druthers, I would eat at the same 5 establishments for the rest of my life. I love routine, I am a creature of habit, and I don't even really like to watch new TV shows, y'all.So - how did I get here? I'm still not sure. I think I had to accept very very quickly that I could not control several ginormous situations in my life. I think the realization that control was an illusion shook me. I think I became fundamentally afraid of not ever achieving some of my goals due to fear, and therein came the switch.Instead of fearing change, I became afraid of not changing.I'm still adjusting to this brand new person. I find myself acting in new and better ways and it really does astound me. I don't procrastinate anymore. I am trying new things. I do hard things more often and more quickly.I still have moments of paralyzing fear and anxiety, but it is so much easier for me to talk myself down. I can shift almost effortlessly.I am living with possibility.Change is the worst, y'all.