The Problem
You can't fix your life with bath bombs and massages, but you can radically transform your life and the way you're living it if you will do deep self-care work with those bath bombs and massages thrown in.
How do you balance both?
Should you be paying attention to anything that has a “self-care” label on it? Should you be paying attention to all of it?
Make no mistake, a hot bath with a bath bomb can ABSOLUTELY be a valuable piece of your self-care, but it needs to be part of a larger self-care routine that is all-encompassing, and the cliches out there make it really hard to determine what will work for you and what won’t.
Two Forms of Self-Care: Passive vs. Active
When it comes to self-care work, there are two ways that you can go about caring for yourself at any given time.
One way is active self-care. This is the deep work that comes when you are learning about yourself, rewiring your learned patterns, and working on loving yourself enough to care for yourself well. You are actively involved in this work at all times. Without your diligent and active involvement, this deep work does not get done and you don’t progress as quickly.
Passive self-care consists of those wonderful and loving things you do for yourself that you can do once and be done with. You can do them more than once, and do them routinely, but you can only do them once in a given session, and you aren’t necessarily the one doing the work. These are the things like hot baths, yoga classes, and solo weekend trips.
Active self-care is ongoing and dynamic, while passive self-care is restorative and temporary.
Image by @mutzli
Both Forms of Self-Care are Legitimate
Active and passive self-care are both completely legitimate forms of self-care, but I would argue that you cannot put long-term, transformational self-care in place without both.
If you are working and working and working on learning how to care for yourself, but don’t know what passive actions to put in place that will help you along the way, you’re going to burn out and decide that self-care is draining and not worth it.
Conversely, if you're only applying the passive forms of self-care without doing any kind of deep work around your internal self-talk, your level of self-compassion, or any other complication that needs to be addressed for you to know your true needs and wants, true transformational self-care won’t happen, either.
I love your bath bombs but if you're depressed your self-care is going to need to be more than just a bath.
Since self-care cliches are a thing, many many people fall into the trap of thinking passive self-care is all there is, and it’s difficult to escape that thinking. This leads to many people trying one thing after another that has “self-care” attached to it, and not understanding why they don’t feel better.
They’re also afraid to ask for any real guidance from family and friends, because all those cliches and buzzwords have also made self-care seem trendy and even selfish.
Self-Care Cliches Make Self-Care Seem Selfish
This may be my biggest pet peeve about everyone and everything out there having a solution that is “self-care” based. It creates an environment in which self-care looks complicated and expensive. Therefore, anyone who is invested in it can be accused of being selfish for sinking so much time and money into it.
To this, I say BULLSHIT.
You do not need every single thing out there that has a “self-care” label on it. Hell, a lot of things out there with a self-care designation was created by people that don’t even fully understand it, but really really want to sell it.
You are not selfish for wanting to care for yourself better and prioritize your needs.
The trick is to cut through all the crap and find those things out there (yes, some might even be cliches!) that are actually truly helpful for you.
Individualized self-care does take time to create, but knowing yourself and your needs will help you find what you need in the sea of self-care buzz and leave the rest.
Some Self-Care Cliches are Helpful
There are actually a lot of self-care “cliches” that have turned out to be super helpful to a lot of people working to build their passive self-care regimens. Baths, massages, exercise and retreats are just a few. Of the many Instagram ads out there, some have actually led people to really helpful items (for me it was Silk + Sonder).
The trick when evaluating these things is to remember that it has to actually work for you in your current life.
All of the cliches out there - from the mani/pedis to the face masks - are marketed as if anyone and everyone can be helped by them and level up their self-care regimen at the same time.
Here’s the thing - everyone on the planet needs something different from their self-care routine.
So, does the thing look like something that you could genuinely use? Can you afford it? Have you used something like this before and been disappointed? If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Don’t let the shininess and glitter or ability of this thing to “fix your life” keep you from honestly evaluating it.
Another way that some self-care cliches are helpful is to give you ideas about how you might incorporate something similar into your routine. What is the point of the bath? What is the goal of the journaling? Can you translate it to something equivalent in your life that you would actually enjoy and take part in?
Your self-care is yours, boo boo. Do what you want!
Get Past the Cliches and Do the Work
Eventually, even if you have all the passive self-care in the world, you will find that active self-care is a necessity. You have to do the deep internal work that will allow you to honor yourself and your needs in your everyday life.
It can be incredibly hard to remember this or to think that you need it (you’re the exception, right?) when you are creating short bursts of happiness by engaging in passive acts of self-care.
Do not fall for it. IT’S A TRAP.
You must do the work. You can do the work. It will feel amazing to do the work.
image by @heypreslie
The Payoff of Doing the Work
I will not lie and tell you that the work is really easy and you can do it really quickly and you’ll be crushing your own self-care goals in no time.
The work is hard. Sometimes, it even sucks, but it's absolutely necessary to get to a place where you can look back and say, “Wow. Look how far I’ve come.”
The work, plus the loving passive things you do for yourself, like using bath bombs, will help you arrive at a place where most days, everything feels manageable. You feel more serene and rested, and even when you don’t, you still function at a higher level than you ever did before.
You may even - GASP - feel some real joy.
You suddenly realize that you are prioritizing yourself and your relationships are improving. You’re able to tackle hardships and challenges head on, without avoidance, procrastination, blame, or shame.
You’ll end your days feeling less drained. You’ll gain clarity about what you’re needing and how you want to move forward.
You’ll find yourself able to shift out of negative thinking quickly and easily, creating compassion and a better relationship with yourself in the process.
In time, you’ll even find yourself helping others learn to love and care for themselves too.
There is no substitute for the real work of self-care, and there is no reason to not mix bath bombs and wine nights and spa days in with that real work. In fact, you must mix the two. There is also no feeling like the feeling that comes when you realize that you are truly taking the very best care of yourself possible.
Ready to do the work but don’t know where to start? Let me help you! Schedule a free Introductory Call here.