What Went Wrong?
The messaging and language around our understanding of habits has been hijacked by proponents of productivity and hustle culture.
Habits used to be something that we used as a tool. Now they are these guidelines we must adhere strictly to to achieve the thing or else we are a failure.
Habits are supposed to (hopefully) help us to an end goal, but nowadays they are an incredibly ambiguous set of rules that must be followed daily to make your life, business and home run smoothly. I call buillshit
There used to be an accepted understanding that a habit took a while to put into place. Weeks, sometimes months. Now, you have to perfectly implement this habit in 7 days or less or you aren't functioning at your best.
How Did This Happen?
Somewhere along the way, people started using the word "habit" when the word "technique" probably should have been used instead.
A technique is a system or process that MUST be followed to the letter, because it has been studied and refined.
A habit, on the other hand, is something that you repeat in order to try and build a certain behavior pattern.
With a technique, the process is in front of you and has already been created, while with a habit, you are working to train yourself and develop a process that works for you.
When this shift happened, it started to become really easy to feel like if you didn't already have the process (that you hadn't even created yet!) down pat, you were somehow failing.
It has become completely overwhelming to hear a lot of people use language around the idea of habits that imply you "MUST" put certain things in place to do the thing when you don't even know if that is the best way for YOU to do the thing.
It can make it impossible for you to build an ACTUAL habit, because someone else is trying to dictate to you how to do it, and the messaging and language they use says their way is the only way.
Wanna set up an exercise routine? THIS IS THE ONLY WAY. Want to eat healthier? THIS IS THE ONLY WAY. Want to wake up earlier? THIS IS THE ONLY WAY.
You get my point.
There is no room for experimentation, which means no room for personalization, which means that that "habit" won't work for most of the people that try it.
IMAGE BY OLA MISHCHENKO
So What the Hell Do You Do?
My answer (for many years) to this conundrum has been to shift my own language away from "habits" and instead build, set and implement "intentions."
An intention is simply a thing intended, an aim or a plan.
The language difference even around the definitions made me sigh in relief the first time I came across the idea of setting intentions.
The biggest difference with setting intentions and building habits is that you go in understanding and accepting of the fact that though you are intending to do this thing, it may not work out for a number of reasons.
Those reasons can include: it doesn't work for you physically, you come to dread it and realize you don't want to do it, you simply don't like it, you realize it is a drain on time or resources that you don't want to invest in at the moment, OR you find something even better to do
So many times because of the language and overwhelm being thrown at us about "habits" and how the only way to be/do/feel _____________ is to _____________, it is SO HARD for us to give up on a certain habit or recognize something that works better. What we're doing is the only way, remember? So we suffer and make ourselves miserable.
Why Does This Matter?
Our self-talk is so completely influenced by the language and discussion around how to build habits and achieve goals, so it's incredibly important that our internal language remain rooted in realistic expectations and self-compassion.
You cannot be compassionate to yourself if you always feel like you're failing.
You cannot be aligned with what you truly need if you have accepted someone else's idea of the "only way to do" the thing.
Without a personalized understanding of what you need and in a position where you are down on yourself, you will not be able to build anything, habits or otherwise.
An internal language shift from "habits" to "intentions" can release you from the overwhelm and give you the freedom to find what it REALLY takes for you to be/do/feel ___________.
IMAGE BY MARTIN SHREDER
So How Do You Set Intentions?
The main thing to keep in mind when developing intentions is to focus on what you REALLY want to do and how you REALLY want to feel. How do you feel currently? What needs to change? If you've heard over and over again that you need to juice daily, but you have no physical reason to juice, nor do you really WANT to juice, then why are you juicing? STAHP.
The language around intention building needs to be flexible: instead of a finite goal, use words like more and less, and aim for being "er" instead of "est".
Examples: Drink MORE water vs Drink a gallon of water a day, go to sleep earliER vs. go to sleep at 9 PM every single night, Eat more vegetables/eat healthiER meals vs. Eat no carbs/no sugar/gluten free, etc.
An all or nothing approach to setting goals and building habits (which you see over and over and over again in the "this is the only way" systems) leaves no room for the very small thing of living the life of a human. You simply cannot stick to a rigid schedule or routine every single day of your life, as hard as you might try. Scheduling, illness, emergencies, etc. can lead to you not being able to do the thing, and guess what? THAT IS ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY FINE. The world needs to normalize the idea that we don't have to meet all our commitments when life needs to be lived.
Start with 2 or 3 broad intentions, instead of a 24-point plan to solve all your problems in 60 days or less. Eat healthier meals 5 days a week, drink more water daily, read for pleasure 3 nights a week. Try to stick to these intentions for at least 14 days. 30 days gives you more information to work with to discover what did and didn't work.
PAY ATTENTION. Find a way to log or note things as you go - what is working? what isn't? Do you feel better since you're drinking more water? What makes it easier to eat healthier? Are there any obstacles to being able to find time to read? This is the time that you collect data to determine if the things you thought would help you live a better life truly are doing so.
Adjust accordingly, and add as you feel you can. If something isn't working, stop it. If something is working really well, you know that it's probably something you'll want to continue indefinitely. Once you feel confident in and at ease with the intentions you set originally, set another. Add one or two intentions as you feel you can.
The Language You Use Around Intentions Helps With Long-Term Goals
At all times, remember to keep the language around your intentions flexible and compassionate. When an intention isn't working for you, it's not because something is wrong with you or you have failed. In fact, you should congratulate yourself on realizing that that thing doesn't work for you, so you don't waste more time on it.
Putting less pressure on yourself leads to not only more positive self-talk, but increases the compassion that you carry for yourself as you actively work on your self-care regimen.
Setting intentions that are flexible and being open to experimentation leads to periods of deep self-discovery, which you can apply to all areas of your life.
Sometimes what we think is going to work perfectly for us is actually a total flop, but it is only in that "failure" that we find what truly works the best. If we are never willing to "fail," we won't ever discover the deep knowledge of ourselves that we need to transform our lives.
Needing an assist figuring out where to start? Download my Need, Want, Can Worksheet here to help you strategize intentions that will truly make a difference.