Shit Is Heavy Right Now

Wow, friends. Anyone else feeling like you can't take a breath right now before some more heavy shit gets thrown your way?

Things have been heavier for me for a bit, but the last couple weeks, and the general state of the world in addition to all the things going on in my own little corner of life, it's been very whoa damn over here.

When things do get too heavy, the best way to help ourselves, and those around us, is to let them know what's up.

A simple "Hey, things are tougher right now than they normally are. Thanks for your support," can let them know you need more love in the moment, and allow you to express your needs and feel that support.

Things get a little messy when you express that things are tough, then either they or you downplay it by employing toxic positivity.

Toxic Positivity is Toxic

I completely understand why humans turn to blind positivity so often in our world.

Sometimes the alternative is just too hard.

Unfortunately, people don't feel like they can say things like, "this is just too hard right now. I want to support you. I don't know how to do that."

Vulnerability is viewed as a weakness more than a strength typically, and that's a whole bunch of bullshit.

The things is, it is SO MUCH MORE HELPFUL to the person seeking support to hear that you don't know what to do or say either.

When someone tends to respond with, "everything will work out," or "you've got this!" when that is in fact very much NOT the case, it’s very invalidating of their feelings and experience AND it creates an environment where they feel they can't share because they won't get the support they need.

In other words, it's pretty damn toxic.

When Self-Care Becomes Part of Toxic Positivity

At times, people try to make self-care a thing that solves all the problems ever, and in doing so, it can become a mechanism for toxic positivity.

I HATE IT.

This is where I get real salty about the ways in which self-care has been commodified and can be marketed.

You can have an amazing self-care routine, and firm and fantastic self-care practices, and still feel heavy AF when life is hard.

When someone pretends that self-care can solve any problem and make everything ok again, they really have no clue what they're talking about.

You cannot self-care your way out of a black hole.

You can use self-care to make the hole a little homier, and yourself a little more comfortable, but you will still be in a hole.

Sorry about that.

If you're in the middle of an incredibly hard season and have been feeling like, "I'm practicing self-care! Everything should be fine, right?!?," you need to know that self-care is not a cure-all.

The tools that you use within a self-care practice WILL HELP you to feel better than you would otherwise, but you are still going to feel heavy, and that's 1000% normal and expected and valid.

What to Say Instead of The Toxic Shit Everyone Says Sometimes

The most important thing when working to remove toxically positive responses from your conversations, is to remember to be vulnerable.

You do not have to know what to say all the time.

AGAIN, you DO NOT have to know what to say to people, especially about uncomfortable situations, at all times.

You are allowed to respond with something like, "I don't really know what to say but I am here for you."

The only thing your person needs from you in that moment is 1) Validation and 2) Support.

You telling them that you've got them even though you don't necessarily know what to say or do shows that you are willing to step into the unknown to support them, and what's more supportive than that?

What to Say When Someone Responds to You with Toxic Positivity

As someone who is SO GUILTY of responding to really hard shit with really toxically positive responses in the past, I so wish someone would have told me that what I was saying was wildly unhelpful.

In order to help someone understand that what they're saying is appreciated but not too terribly helpful, you need a measured response.

My favorite way to respond to this kind of thing lately has been to thank the person, repeat my feelings, and then say something along the lines of "so I don't know that....is true/realistic/helpful.

As an example, a lot of times you'll hear people say something along the lines of "You are so strong, I don't know how you are doing all of this! You're amazing!" when a person is going through a hardship, instead of responding to that person's actual feelings.

A great way to respond to this is something along the lines of, "I really appreciate that. I don't know how I'm doing it either. I don't really have a choice. This is all really really hard, so I don't know that it has anything to do with strength or being amazing."

This kind of response gets easier the more you do it, and it allows you stand up for yourself and express your feelings, even when they are somewhat dismissed.

Sometimes Toxic Positivity is All You Can Get

Please know, that even if someone responds to you with something that pretty firmly falls into the category of toxic positivity, it does not mean they don't care.

Our society is massively ill-equipped to deal with feelings a lot of the time.

It's even harder to deal with terribly hard things around here.

We are getting better at both though, and a good understanding of toxic positivity and the damage it does helps.

When someone desperately wants to support you, but doesn't know what to say or how to handle themselves, it's easy to fall back on platitudes so they know they won't "mess up."

Know that they are doing their best, as are you, and ask them to support you in other ways, too.

And if all else fails, just tell them, "Everything's awful! Thanks for asking."

Feeling overwhelmed by all the awfulness and don't know where to start in taking care of yourself? Download my Need, Want, Can Worksheet to gain clarity on what would help you most right now.