Lies, Damned Lies!

One of the things I find prevalent in almost every conversation around self-care (however it is defined in the context it's being discussed!) is the idea that if you're practicing self-care - any kind of self-care - everything is great.

Well, friend, to be frank, FUCK THAT.

Here's the thing, and it is a hard truth to live with: even when you're practicing self-care, things can and will suck.

Self-care is a spectrum. I think of the spectrum as having different levels. A Level 1 days is surviving. A Level 10 day is a self-care nirvana hardly any of us ever achieve.

I tend to live with an average around a 6.

Read that again.

I tend to live with AN AVERAGE around a SIX. This is my JOB, friend. MY LITERAL JOB, and my average dot on the spectrum is a 6.

Have there been times when it was higher? Absolutely. Have there been times when it was much lower? Holy hell, yes.

We’re Humans, Right?

As I've said in this space before, self-care is not something that you master and then just have as a skill in your pocket. You cannot check off "learning self-care" from a to do list. There is no end to the practice and learning and refining of self-care.

What you learn as you begin to do the deep work around transformational self-care is that part of self-care is recognizing and embracing the idea that human beings are human beings, and not automatons. We cannot be expected to function at the same level day in and day out.

Your self-care regimen will work best when you recognize that just like you, it can (and should!) fluctuate depending on your energy levels and needs.

Also, hi, hello, let me tell you right now that there are a lot of things that factor into this and mental health and physical health are chief among them. If you are struggling in either arena, you need to know that any kind of self-care routine you develop is more than enough right now.

Why Is It Important That We Recognize and Embrace This Shiz?

When we start to develop a self-care routine, we tend to do two things (and I am speaking from more experience than you could EVER imagine, boo):

We try to do too much too fast
We expect nothing less than perfection in following our new routine

These tendencies have already set us up for failure straight out the gate, because even Captain America is not going to develop the perfect self-care routine for America's Ass on the first try.

So if we're trying to do it all but it's not working, or we're trying to do things that aren't helping us and trying to do them perfectly, we're already probably going to hate the whole thing.

Add to that the fact that some days you wake up feeling refreshed and rested and drink enough water, and your routine feels relatively doable, and some days (usually these days are fairly close together, btw), you wake up needing 75 mg of caffeine and still don't know your own phone number, and also what is water, and things are not going to go well.

One More Layer

Now I'm going to add another layer.

Imagine that you've been trucking along, relatively okay, sticking to your routine pretty well, and all the sudden, your husband spends multiple days in the hospital each month in four out of the next 6 months.

This was me, friends. 2018 rocked our world. We'd adjusted to our new normal of my husband being in kidney failure and then everything went to hell, and if I hadn't realized that self-care was a spectrum and that ice cream was an acceptable dinner when I had been up 17 hours straight trying to get my husband a hospital room to move to from the ER, I would have lost all of my mind.

Life events and the other things going on outside of ourselves are also going to throw a wrench in the system every once in a while. You cannot control those things. Those things will affect your energy levels and your needs.

Your 21-point self-care regimen can hit the back burner for a few minutes.

It is okay to not check off every single box every single day.

The Spectrum, What Works and What Doesn’t

I always tell my clients that there are three basics to self-care that we should all be aspiring to, no matter what: eating, drinking water and sleeping.

On a 1 day, one or two of these things might not happen. I KNOW! I am telling you it's okay to not do one OR EVEN TWO of the basics.

Yes, on a day that you are trying to just hang on and survive, you don't necessarily need to worry about your water intake. Just sayin.

If one of these things is going to stick, I always encourage eating. ANYTHING. Ice cream. Toast. A steak dinner. SOMETHING. A 1 day (arguably any day below a 5) is the day to DoorDash yourself something that sounds amazing and eat as much of it as you can, even if that's 2 or 3 bites.

Doing that on a low number day is amazing and you are a rock star and you should be so effing proud of yourself, because I sure am.

Let's slide up to an 8 day. Honestly, I have truly never been in a moment where I felt like I was at a 10 day, and I haven't met anyone who has ever put themselves at that level, either. So 8 will be our high end for now.

It may take you YEARS of practicing self-care before you hit a high level day, friend. That's true for most everyone. MOST. EVERYONE.

On an 8 day, in my routine, I might: work in some capacity on some really great biz shit, meditate, read, get up early, work out, drink the amount of water I like to drink, eat the food that works for my body, see my friends or family, cook a nice meal for myself, keep the tv off, do some sort of hobby, and go to bed on time.

HOLY CANNOLI.

I cannot remember the last time that all of those things happened in one day. That's why it's the high end of the spectrum, because it's going to take a lot of really good things all happening at one time for you to accomplish all of those other amazing and wonderful things.

Self-Care Doesn’t Make Everything Great, So Take the Pressure Off

You WILL have 8 days. You WILL have 1 days. The great and wonderful and kickass thing about continuing to refine and practice self-care is that at some point, you will value and embrace the 1 days as much as the 8 days.

There are days we need to just BE, and to survive, and to focus on the basics and let ourselves and our minds and bodies recover and rest.

There are also days that we feel superhuman because everything comes together.

The burden that you lift off yourself when you realize that a 1 day is no better or worse but just DIFFERENT from an 8 day, self-care wise, is immense. You may feel worse on a 1 day, but with self-care, you'll know how to better care for yourself without the pressure of feeling like you aren't doing or being or acting well enough.

Different levels are not better or worse than others, they are simply different, and they require different versions of the SAME self-care regimen.

Self-care doesn't make everything great, and that's ok.

For my list of the very basics and a few other ideas for all the days, grab my 10 Beginner Steps to Self-Care here.