The Question

When was the last time you felt joy? When was the last time you did something just for you, for fun? Can you remember? Can you even comprehend what those words mean?

One of the things that comes up pretty early on in almost all of my client work is that no one is tapped into who they truly are anymore, and they can't answer one simple question:

What do you do for fun?

I don't mean that they don't have an answer, "I travel," "I hang out with my friends," "I spend time with my kids." These are all answers. They are even valid answers, but they aren't what I am really asking.

I am asking, what do you, right now, on a daily or weekly basis, all by yourself, without anyone else, do to make yourself happy - just for you?

One of the things that a lot of my clients need help with is the idea that they can set aside dedicated time, consistently, for something that is just for them. It's not for the family, it's not to help them with things later in the week, it's not errands for the house.

It's dedicated, no-matter-what time for something just for them. Something they look forward to, and don't dread, and enjoy doing each time they do it, no matter how often that happens.

So often I hear, "I have no idea what that would be." I also said that, many many times, when I was first trying to figure out what a joyful and content life looked like for me.

Most of us don't know what makes us happy anymore.

How Did We Get Here?

Between stress, parenthood, chronic illness, caregiving, work, and everything else (read: societal expectations) we have lost connection to that inner part of us that creates joy.

We can run into that disconnect for so many reasons, but most of the time, it's not because it's something we WANT to do, but because of some obstacle that's been thrown in the way.

We feel like we need more time or energy to do that thing "right," we have the feeling (or someone else has implied) that our joyful thing is something that we shouldn't be doing anymore for x,y,or z reason.

**A small bit of coachly homework for you - have you been the someone that's implied something? If you have, rectify that sitch right this minute. It's more than ok, and we have all been that person, but let's work to not be that person now.**

We've also learned to tell ourselves three things about hobbies and other individual activities that are total and complete bullshit:

They have to be commodified - they aren't "worth it" if they're solely for you.
They have to be expensive
They take too much time

Can you imagine if you were trying to decide to do something routine and all you heard was, "it's not worth it, it's too expensive, and it's too time-consuming?"

Now imagine hearing that when you're trying to decide to do something that society has already conditioned you to believe is selfish because it's just for you. FORGET ABOUT IT.

Sometimes we've just decided that if we are going to do this thing that brings us joy and makes us super happy we can only do it if we're "good at it".

Hi. Hello. That is bullshit. You can enjoy something and not be the best of the best at it. Humans think they have to be great at everything the second they try the thing the first time. We don't do well with incremental progress and we tend to bail on things that we truly love because of that.

PLEASE.KEEP.GOING. If you enjoy the thing, keep doing the damn thing. That sounds simple, but think of how often we walk away from things for reasons that aren't based on how we feel, but what we have told ourselves in our heads.

Why It’s So Hard To Check In With Ourselves

It's difficult to check in with yourself when you're running in circles, but add a layer of "what will people think?" or "I kind of suck at this" or "I feel like I need to grow out of that," and you've got a recipe for not only forgetting what it is that makes you happy but ignoring it all together when you actually find it.

So, we walk around, tired, stressed, lonely, unfulfilled and unhappy - and we have no idea what to do about it.

We also don't want to talk about it. If our lives look and feel ok and we don't have problems that are "that big," we tend to downplay the fact that we are completely disconnected from our inner self and unhappy in some form or fashion.

Society has told us for years and years that if we have this, this and this (a nice home, a spouse and 2.5 kids, for example), we should be so happy. Our lives should be basically perfect, right? What that has taught us is happiness is something that external factors can create.

So when we internally disconnect and become unhappy and can't retail therapy our way out of it, we can't figure out what the hell happened.

Our Lives Reflect The Disconnect

We have all been there. We may love our job, love our family, love all the parts of our lives, but feel completely unfulfilled. We don't know how to "fix" it, so we read books and we try different diets and we buy bigger houses, and all the time, we aren't actually checking in with the people that can shed light on the problem - ourselves.

We go to bed tired, we wake up tired, we go to work, we come home, we do it all again the next day. Our weekends are spent catching up on the things we didn't get done during the week. We have no ideal routine or schedule, and the days bleed into each other.

We don't know how to prioritize ourselves at all, let alone what to do to help ourselves feel happier. We plan "breaks," vacations and short getaways and parties and things, and sometimes the planning and execution of those things leaves us more tired than we were to start with.

At this point, we feel like it's totally fucked that our vacations make us tired, and we vow yet again to find a way to fix ourselves.

Here's the thing - we don't need to fix anything.

We are absolutely capable of regaining some happiness and cultivating joy. We have that power inside of us. We do have to be willing to listen to ourselves though - really really listen to ourselves.

Then, we have to boldly embrace the things that we realize we need for ourselves. Without hesitation and without apology.

Being able to do that is where self-care (and self-care coaching) can come in and change the game.

Want some help brainstorming ideas for things that may cultivate joy in your life? Download my 10 Beginner Steps to Self-Care here.